Beard Deconstruction Project: Stage 5

Sorry for slacking on finishing up the Beard Deconstruction Project entries...I'm easily distracted and the feedback from you Tauzaholics was really starting to diminish by day FOUR....so I didn't feel any kind of urgency to post the dramatic conclusion to the saga that unfolded on my face (now more than a week ago).

Here it is...the final stage before a return to facial normality. I give you The Snooty Frenchman!

I decided to get back to my roots with this one, seeing as I am 100% purebred Cajun-American, which means that waaaaay back, my ancestors were French. Which makes me feel like this:


This is the one 'do that made think twice about going somewhere in public where people would recognize me. While wearing those other ridiculous 'dos on my person in the previous days, I never really thought twice about going somewhere and being judged or giggled at because of how I looked. But when I was heading to my health food store to grab some grub for Game Night that evening, I totally re-thought it and drove right by the store and headed home the long way.

It was totally because I didn't want to be remembered by those ladies as the guy with the weird mustache that one time. It's a small store with maybe 6 employees total. I had no doubt that I'd get a look or a curious question and I'd then be forced to impart my story about how I'm just being a dumbass for comedic value and to stave off the everyday ennui; a story I'd rather not have to go into with people I hardly know and only see maybe twice a month.

Honestly, I think it was the destination, not the 'do, that made me change course, come to think of it. Because this 'do was not the worst of the 5...but it was kind of evil.


Someone (I think a co-worker) called me Boris on this day. They were referencing the Soviet-stereotype villain from Rocky and Bullwinkle who always was partnered up with that unsettlingly sexy chick, Natasha. For some reason I can't help but think that she has an extraordinarily hairy bush under that dress... and the cool thing about Boris is that you KNOW he can't wait to lose his face in it...(these are the sad things that I think about, people.)


In addition to The Snooty Frenchman and The Boris, I also like to refer to this one as The Anti-Hitler, because (except for the out-of-place Soul Patch) it is the inverse of Hitler's trademark 'stache. It's just my way of stickin' it to that "mass-murdering fuckhead".

Here's the obligatory chin-shot:


I know the chin-shots stopped being an effective tool in this series around day 3, but I don't care. Any reason I can give myself to type the phrase "chin-shot" is a good one. Heh-heh...chin-shot.

And we'll close The Beard Deconstruction Project with this final image, which happens to be one of my favorites from this whole thing. I love how my eyebrows and the 'stache come together to imply a giant "X" over my face, as if to say, "Don't ever do this to yourself." Thanks for sticking with me through this excercise in cheesiness.

Beard Deconstruction Project: Stage 4

Ok... last time I posted, I looked not-so-bad. Not great, but not bad. And since then, I arrived at my Destination -do in time for my special occasion. Sorry to leave you hanging over the weekend, but I just didn't have access to a computer, nor did I have (nor take) the time to sit down and finish up the report on my Beard Deconstruction Project. So, without further "a -do"...

I mentioned in the last entry that I did a lot of pondering on what should be the -do for Stage 4. Some of that pondering took this form:

That's right. I doodled. I also made a possible schedule for The Project:



I stayed up too late racking my brain. I was literally stressing about this crucial decision. Should I go with a Crustache or the Goal Posts?...Will I regret it if I don't do one or the other? What are the options that lie beyond each possibility for the Final Stage? Yarrrgh! I had pretty much made a decision before I went to bed, but I did a little indecisive re-thinking in the morning. In the end, I think I went with the worst of my two options:



Let me explain why I made this choice, because...dammit, I spent way too much time thinking about it to just let it happen withouth further explanation! (Here's the obligatory chin-shot first...



I went with the more obscure of the two choices. And, although I'm pretty sure I'll get bored enough to do this again some time in the future, I'll probably never have the balls to do this specific stage next time. When will I ever get away with sporting this horrendous look again? Plus, I've never seen anyone with this -do, so I had to do it. And besides, a Crustache is not too hard to come by, so if I get bored, I can rock one of those for a bit; or any form of 'stache, really. But this...



...once in a lifetime shit(ty), baby.

I would've been angry with myself if I'd missed out on this opportunity. I was not actually angry in this picture, but I do appear to be more pissed off (or perhaps just more dangerous) with the Goal Posts on than I would without 'em.

"Why the hell would you do this to yourself?" you might be asking (probably while probably making a similar, yet hopefully less ridiculous face than this...)



The answer is: because I'm bored, I wanted something to write about, and I like the attention it's getting me. And you, my Faithful Reader, are a part of this experiment, too. You, by reading this and gazing upon my goofy, transforming visage have only served to encourage me in my bizarre little endeavor. You are not guilt-free in this matter, so don't be so quick to judge; lest you make me sad, like so:



Next up: The Project helps me get back to my roots, a fellow jackass is discovered, and what I avoided doing because of The Beard Elimination Project!

Beard Deconstruction Project: Stage 3

Ok, so here I am, a day behind on the Project Report. Sorry, faithful fans... but if you're truly a faithful fan, you expected this from me. But fear not! The Project itself is still on schedule. So, on with the show...

Wednesday = Stage 3 =

I may look a little uncertain, but this was definitely one of the easier stages to live with. I'm not even sure I'd rank it as "bad", honestly. I'm not saying I'd be friends with it, but I wouldn't ignore it rudely if it struck up a conversation. (It's a stretch...even for a metaphor. Go with it.)

Nice and uneven, eh? You like that? I know I'm proud of my sound ability to eye up whether or not the trim job I'm doing on my own facial hair even. That moustache is about as balanced as Fox News Channel. (That's about as political as I get, folks...)

I particularly like the way that this 'do bends in when I make odd faces, as exemplified above. It accentuates my crazy while ramping up my awesome. And so, accordingly, I call this facial hairdo "The Zappa".

From very early on in my work friendship with Steve Witmer, he has insisted that I look like Frank Zappa. I never denied nor disagreed with this assertion, but it wasn't until I saw Steve's fanboy Zappa T-shirt with the following picture on it that I saw the resemblence myself. This is for you, Frank and Steve:

(I can practically hear Wit peeing his pants right now! Out of happiness for being absolutely spot-on in his observation, of course.) Crank some Frank!

The biggest thing that happened today, other than the Zappa tribute, was the decision that needed to be made for the next step in the Project. I literally stayed up at least an extra half hour pondering the two roads ahead of me...there was doodling and much mumbling to myself. I also made many trips to the bathroom and bedroom mirrors to try to "block out" the possiblities by holding my fingers over the portions I thought about shaving off.

In addition to this, I was also trying to see what the best angle to set my camera at in the bathroom, in order to catch a shaving in progress on video. Believe it or not, there had been a request for such a thing from a True Fan, so I decided the best way to scout the positions was to do a trial run. This silent film was the result. After laughing my ass off at myself, I decided to not delete it, but rather to publish it. So here's the first embedded video clip on The Tauz Blaug. Feel free to enjoy. Until tomorrow...

Beard Deconstruction Project: Stage 2

Oh my...

Yeah, so Stage Two was probably the worst: The Free-Floating Chops. This was an off-the cuff suggestion by a news anchor-co-worker of mine. When he suggested this, it reminded me of a friend of a friend who had sported this for a short time. I remember all of our friends' reactions to when he showed up with this thing living on his face. We were all so angry at him for being so awesome, and I wanted a taste of that.

The day at work went as horribly at I looked. Avid randomly froze and crashed and didn't come back that day, so we were down to one machine for three of us. It sucked. The saving grace of the day was the comedy, discussion, and special visits that the -do Project brought to us.

After the workday, I called my brother Mark and told him I was stopping by to see him--or rather, so he could see me. I believe the phrase "Dude, you gotta see this shit!" was uttered at least twice during our conversation. In my haste to share the ridiculousness of my current look with him, I forgot that he also has young children. I could only hope that adorable little apple of the Tauzin family's collective eye would not turn and run away in horror when "Uncle Dahs" showed up looking a bit creepier than usual.

Thankfully, after seeing me in this state, Kylie didn't run away in tears. (Above is a pic from what I imagine is her perspective.) She actually gave me a big hug, which immediately made my day. She also had the grace to not mention my look at all, which she may or may not have found personally reprehensible. She's that classy...even at two and a half years old. And I'm still hoping that I didn't mentally scar little 2-month-old Mason...

Mark and his wife giggled at how strange and unique they think I am while Mark's in-laws thought it "didn't look that bad".

This is me, "tucking it back".

From there, I went to volleyball. That's right. I went to ANOTHER public place looking like this. There were a few questions about the new look. Now, I only see these people once a week, so not many people knew that this was a jok-- ...um...project. Accordingly, a couple of them gave me the "nice new look" courtesy comment. But there was one True Believer among them who knew what was up. And for that, he gets his own paragraph shout-out.

At the end of the night, D.J. (the aforementioned The Tauz Fan) struck up a conversation about the process. He admitted that he'd not only pondered my proposed undertaking, but had gone so far as doodling little beards at work and eliminating portions of them in phases with his White-Out pen. This made me inexplicably happy. And even though he didn't make an official suggestion, I appreciated it all the same. Word.

I came up with this...it's me mimicking motorcycle handlebars. Cuz it kinda looks like a handlebar moustache. This is how I ended my day. Tomorrow...I pay tribute to another rock pioneer...WITH MY FACE! Stay tuned.

Beard Deconstruction Project: Stage 1

Ok...so... in order to clean up (at least a little bit) my look for an important and classy event that is happening this weekend, I am shaving my beard off. I got a few interesting suggestions from some just as surprising sources--from High School Pals to YM Kids to Family and Very Close Friends. Thank you for your input! It's awesome that I got you to actually think about this at all, so...seriously...Thanks!

Here's what I started out with. Full beard that hasn't been trimmed for about two and a half weeks.

Mmmk?

This is the view your mom's pretty used to seeing me from...aww--sick burn!

Forgive the crooked state of my beardline...if I had realized it was that crooked, I would have fixed it a while ago. Also, sorry that I look so super-thrilled to be photographing myself...it was pretty late, so cut me some damn slack.

Irregardlessly, next morning, this is what I did to myself:

That's right.

Lemmy.

From fuckin' MOTORHEAD. (Modified to include the Soul Patch.)

I am completely forgainst this facial hairdo.

I love-hate it so much that I want it to go away and stay at the same time.

I am so proudshamed of it, words can't describe. Could it resurface again in the future??

Anyshit...if you think this is bad, check back tomorrow to see how it could possibly get worse...