The Foul Creature Capture

Last week I was at Molyneaux's hangin' w/ him and Catie when I saw one of those huge, nasty, slow, loud, black flies buzzin' around the room. I fucking hate those things. They kinda make me gag, which makes me want to exterminate it.

I reacted in classic The Tauz fashion: I went for the laugh.



I stood up, made an angry face at the thing and slipped one of my shoes off and held it behind my head like a weapon. When I do this (and yes, this is sadly a regular occurrence in my life), I feel like I look like a caveman, stalking his prey with a giant club slung over his shoulder. I'm sure if I ever caught a glimpse of myself in said pose, I'd be highly disappointed in the reality of my appearance. Anyways, neither Molyneaux nor Catie were looking, and I didn't get the reaction I desired.

Brushing off the lack of hilarity, I decided to stay in it, but it was no longer for the laugh. It was to get rid of that sickeningly heavy buzz that that fat fuck of an insect was filling the room with.

Before I get into the hunt, let me give you the lay of the land.

His living room is a low-ceilinged, cozy room that's filled with furniture, gaming systems, collectable toys, and DVDs. There is a love seat against one wall and a matching couch that is set up against the perpendicular wall, so that the arms of the two touch and form a square of space in the corner where their respective walls meet. In that square is a lamp and an end table. I had been occupying the love seat while the goofballs were chillin' on the couch. Catie was lying on her back, with her head on the end of the couch that was closest to the love seat, with her feet up on Molyneaux's lap. She also had a blanket over her.

So, I was stalking this shit-eater, my shoe in hand, when it flew into a brief holding pattern in the corner where the lamp is. It suddenly charged me and I deftly swung upward at the beast.

I heard its buzzing wings hit two things: the sole of my shoe and the ceiling.

I looked at Molyneaux, and I bet we were making almost exactly the same face at each other:

(=^O> <---The Tauz/Molyneaux---> O^=)

He asked if I had gotten it.

I said, "Yeah! I hit it with my shoe... where the fuck'd it go?

He says "RIGHT HERE!!" and points to Catie's blanket, right in her crotchular region.

And there it was. Being all gross and stunned. We were both shocked and that's when the giggling started. Catie seemed to be somewhat disgusted at the notion of having this creepy flying mini-behemoth lying stunned in her lap.

Molyneaux got a tissue and tried to scoop the monster up while it was still stunned from my Jedi-like attack. It squirmed away a little when he tried to get it the first time, but then got it in the tissue.

While Molyneaux was In the process of getting to his feet, I heard that sickening buzz again, but it was somewhat dampened this time.

I shot Molyneaux a cock-eyed look, and then all three of us looked at the tissue.

It was at this point that I got really giddy for some reason. The fly was trapped in a bubble of tissue. I sprang into action and grabbed my newly-"fixed" camera and took video of this momentous occasion.



I'm only slightly embarrassed by being so incredibly giggly with girlie giddiness.

Molyneaux then proceeded to the commode to flush the captive down to the depths of the Dallastown Sewer System. I turned to Catie and said "He's gonna drop the tissue into the toilet and that thing's gonna fly out of the tissue, isn't it?"

She said, "Yeah. It totally is."

I quipped, "And it's gonna be even funnier then."

It didn't. And it wasn't.

Now...I know now that it was a total "you had to be there" moment, and even though you've now seen a sample of said moment, I know it's still not the same.

But I thought it was funny. This is my life, folks. Enjoy.