The Unlikely Solution

A few weeks back, Loban (the roommate) got a bunch of us together and we went to Camden Yards to see the Orioles take on the Yankees. The game was a good one, but we also learned a life lesson while we were there. Here is the tale of how we met, challenged, and ultimately triumphed over a great and savage beast by using mere words...and with a little help from a certain cult classic icon...

Here's the crew that went:



(L-R) Mike "The Roommate" Loban, Angela "His Girl" Swope, Chris "The Kid (Brother)" Swope.



(L-R) Matt Carroll (a friend to all), Lauren (Kathleen's cousin), Kathleen (KK), Matt Loban (a.k.a. Broban).
(Not pictured: The Tauz, who was sporting his new pony-tail 'do for the first time in a large crowd.)

It was the night when the two teams finished the last two innings of a game that had previously been rained-out. The Wankees ended up winning that one, but then we sat around for 30 minutes and waited until they started a whole other second game.

It struck me as odd that there were Yankees fans everywhere around the park. I'd say the home crowd was at least 20% - 40% Yank's fans. Amazing. And they were flyin' their colors with pride, too. I was just a bit surprised, is all.

Most of them didn't bother us. There was a rowdy bunch of 'em behind us, however, that did indeed bother us. Keep in mind that we were already in the nosebleeds (we were seated ABOVE the foul pole in left field)...



...and these guys were behind us. There were about six or seven of 'em: Loud, drunk and somewhat good-natured. At first, they were just chanting things and hollering at the players. Occasionally they would bust on a nearby O's fan or get excited about other Yank's fans in the vicinity: all in good fun.

Until... they started talkin' smack to us. I think it was because a few of us shot them a look or two over the course of their occasionally foul-mouthed commentating. Nothing big at first. Matt Carroll was wearing a T-shirt with the name of a guy who doesn't play for the O's anymore. They ragged on him for that. Goofy stuff like that.

But then...

a weak wave was making its way around the stadium, and I did my "I'm Here To Have Fun" Duty and tried to help it along. The Loudest One of the jerky Yankee's fans behind us took notice and told everyone to stop doing the wave "cuz it's gay". So when this weak-ass wave somehow made it back around to our area, I did it again--only this time, as I stood, I turned and shot TLO a defiant "I'm Doin' This Because You Told Me NOT To, Assclown" look.

He called me on it.

It was funny. He was like, "What you got, dude?" over and over again.

I ignored him.

Then he and his buddies started chanting something that I couldn't understand. And they were chanting it at me. I just laughed it off. A few seconds after they stopped chanting, Carroll and Broban told me they thought I looked like Joakim Noah, because of my ponytail. So these guys were chanting the Florida Gators' basketball player's name at me. This was supposed to be insulting. Comparing me to a National Champ. Ouch, fellas...ease off!

You be the judge:





Not far off, I'd say. A surprisingly astute comparison from such a clearly not-sober group of guys. Broban, not to be outdone, totally called one of their friends "Kevin Millar" for the rest of the night. The insult being that one of their own resembled one of opposing team's players. The guy actually did resemble a fatter, sloppier-looking version of the O's first baseman/DH seen below.



It was also in this general time period when TLO starting ragging on my hairdo and calling it a "faggy pony-tail," which was really uncalled for. It didn't insult me, honestly, but the foul language usage around kids in public is what pissed me off. It's also important to note that some time during the beginning of the game there was an exchange about where we and they were from. During this exchange, we learned that they were from Jersey. Just sayin...

Luckily sometime during the third or fourth inning, they fell asleep or something. We didn't hear from them for a good portion of the rest of the game.

Around the 8th inning, tho, something woke them out of their dainty snooze, and they started back up with the jeers and chants. Most of 'em were the same as before, tho.

So The Loudest One starts in on me and my friends again.

And this time is different than earlier, cuz the Brothers Loban were showing their annoyance with the loud-mouths. I too, caught up in the moment, started jawing off at them as well as I could.

It was hard to gauge what the majority of the surrounding fans thought of us. A glance around revealed a variety of takes on the situation at hand. Some had the look of "If those dumbasses start anything, I'm ready to get my family outta here right-quick." A few looked annoyed. Others appeared to be intrigued but simultaneously concerned that these dumbass words might incite dumbass violence. Still others looked like they wanted to join in, but didn't really want to get involved. Most of the people looked as if they were on our side, though. Everyone looked upset or angry every time TLO let loose with "The Swears".

At some point TLO started down the aisle towards us while barking the same old "insults" at us. He eventually made it down to our row. After a few minutes of hollering back and forth with us, we (at least I did) reached a point where I just wanted this douchebag to shut up and go back to his friends. He apparently didn't want any of that; at least not until he'd shown this row of asshole O's fans who's the coolest.

I tried to drop all of the pretense of aggression and went for broke. I lowered my defenses and offered him a handshake, to which he responded, "Don't fucking touch me."

Aaalrighty, then.

I sat back down, but he stayed there. He lingered, standing there, annoying us while we tried to get him to go away or sit the hell down with us and watch the end of the game. While he was there, a guy who seemed to be about mid- to late-forties, was leaving the stadium with his kids. On his way down the stairs, he stopped at TLO and shook his hand or just kinda got in close and said,"Hey, I think you did a good job tonight. I used to pick on the skinniest, smallest guy in the crowd, too... it always worked out well for me."

SLAM! Take that, motherfucker! The guy gave me an "Atta-boy" nod after his comment and suavely turned and continued on down the steps after his kids. I'm pretty sure he was in the parking lot before TLO realized what that guy meant. That guy is my hero, though. Rock on, sir.

TLO eventually grabbed a seat next to me. At first he was still on the drunken defensive, even though I was trying to settle him down a bit. I tried to tell him that I wasn't trying to insult him anymore and that I just wanted to have a friendly chat with another baseball fan at the game. Eventually, I asked him what other parks he'd been to, seeing as he and his buds obviously were willing to travel for the sake of enjoying baseball games. He rattled off a bunch of slurred park names that I couldn't understand...not that I would have recognized most of 'em even if he had been sober...

Then something sparked in me. I revealed to him that I'd be in New Jersey next weekend. I was hoping that he'd bite on that, seeing as he and his pals hailed from the Garden state.

He did.

He said, "What part?"

I said, "Red Bank."

He said, "Do you like Kevin Smith?"

Boom.

It was at that moment that I knew that I had won the night for the good guys. All of the stupid insults, all of the rage and annoyance... all the aggravation... it was all worth it because of that question that he asked me. In my head I was doing triumphant leaps with my hands raised above my head and fireworks going off in the background. I was running around the bases and Chasing Amy was playing on the big screen in center field. I win...one to nothin!!

"That's actually the reason I'm going. I'm gonna see him speak at a Q & A," I replied with a huge grin.

He's like, "You ever been to his comic shop?"

I said, "No, but I'll be there next weekend."

"It's bangin!" he said enthusiastically.

He then went off on a barely-followable description of all of the cool shit from the movies that was all around the store. Then he asked if I'd seen Clerks 2. When I told him I saw it and loved it, he said,"You're cool."

It was at that point that he decided I was worthy of a handshake.

Now that he was on my side and calmer, we tried to chat. It was rough, tho, because he was pretty hammered, and his knowledge of Kevin Smith's repertoire and minutiae was clearly not up to my level. But I'd finally gotten him to stop yelling half-assed insults at us. Eventually he turned around and asked Loban and Broban if they'd seen Clerks 2. Upon learning they had seen it, they were declared cool as well... and he gave handshakes all around.

Soon after this, people were standing up and cheering. It turns out that the possible last out was up and the fans were cheering on the O's defense. I stood up and he seemed annoyed. I was like,"Dude! Stand up and support your boy at bat!" So he did. And when the last out was recorded, I turned to him and shook his hand again and said thanks for the chat.

His buddies were starting down the steps. At least three of them acknowledged me, Carroll, Loban and Broban, apologizing about and thanking us for dealing with their overzealous chum. That was cool of them.

So in the end, 'twas a love for Kevin Smith flicks that was the solution to our conflict. We'd never have suspected that the solution would be that easy, and sitting right there under my nose all along.

Kevin Smith is a bridge-builder. A common thread throughout America. Homeboy's fuckin' potty-mouthed and hilarious, and it takes all kinds of people to enjoy his stuff...be it a big loud-mouthed drunk Jersey guy at a baseball game, like TLO, or a skinny loud-mouthed sober pony-tail guy at a baseball game, like me.

This poetic story sets up my next entry on The Tauz Blaug beautifully. I celebrate a special milestone for the Blaug, by paying a special tribute to one of my heroes: Kevin Smith.

Coming soon:

The Tauz Blaug's 37th Blaug Post:
Kevin Smith's 37th Birthday Celebration Blaug!