I was excited to take my friend Mary Beth out for her first legal drink the other night. Duffy and I had planned to take her out since she mentioned it a few months ago, so we were all looking forward to it. And it just so happened that he and I would be running a social at the YM Room the night before her 21st, so we could just wait around afterwards, and then head out from there with her. It all came together so easily. It was great!
So Duff and I are sitting in the YM office after the social, chatting about our upcoming Retreat. We were waiting for the Birthday Girl to show up when we heard the door to the outside (not the office door, but the big heavy door across the room) make a noise. We looked at each other and we're both like, "Is the door locked?" because it sounded like someone had tugged at it from outside and made the "come let me in" noise. So, I eagerly jump up and run over towards the door, which is in a recessed area of the room. That detail is important, because it means that I can't actually see the door, nor anyone who might be just inside it until I'm face-to-face with them.
As I round the corner and the door comes into sight, so does our dear, sweet Mary Beth. She's the one who made the door noise. However... as I step into view, she lets out a healthy roar that is meant to scare whoever came over to investigate.
Now... let's pause here for a moment.
If you know me at all, you know that I'm not a fan of horror movies. There's a sensible reason for that: I don't like being scared.
And if you've spent much time with me, you've probably seen me get startled somewhat easily. Just ask my brothers. Or any of my current or past my roomates. Loban specifically was witness to one of the best Startled Tauz reactions in history. But I digress...
Aaaand if you know me really well, you know there's nothing I hate more than being spooked, startled, frightened, scared or bugged out. Even if it's meant in the most light-hearted way, I hate it. That feeling of panic that strikes and paralyzes for a split second... Fuck that feeling. Fuck it right in the anxiety-stricken privates. Worst thing ever.
EVER.
I hate it so much that it kind of makes me lose control of myself after I feel it. I actually think it's that that makes me hate being scared so much. Because I don't know what to do in that instant, and I just abhor that paralyzed feeling.
>>shiver<<
Back to my little story here.
So she lets out this yell. Which, in reality, I know it wasn't the scream itself that did me in. It probably wasn't that intimidating in and of itself. But in my mind, she grew fangs, sprouted extra lungs and let loose some unholy shreik that might normally come out of a Zombie Momma Bear that's protecting its little undead cub that I happen to be separating her from. Or at least you'd think that's what I thought about the scream...
Irregardless of what the scream actually sounded like, that panicky paralysis shock hits me.
HARD.
I could have shit myself outta fear. I could have turned tail to run and hide, (like the coward that I think myself to be) leaving only a solid urine trail behind for my loved ones to follow until they found me curled up into a ball of fetal-positioned shame. I could have done that terrified girl thing, where they just shut their eyes really hard and pull their arms in toward their face and wriggle them around uselessly while screaming back at the source of their terror. I could have done any of those things and hilarity would have ensued. But no.
So how did I react?
I lunged forward at her, put my hands on her arms that were folded in self-defense across her chest, and I shoved the SHIT out of her. I'm pretty sure I tried to put my hands straight through her. I shoved her right into the metal door frame behind her. All this, while swearing every terrible word I can think of.
Immediately, I regretted what I'd done. I just shoved
a.) a friendBut it was instinct. That could have been anyone who shouted at me and I would have reacted the same way. Which is scary to think I have that little control at times. It makes me appreciate the concept of the Temporary Insanity Plea. Because if I had had control over my actions in that second, I would have turned around and punched my hand or jumped up and down instead shoving her like I've never shoved anyone before in my life.
b.) who was a girl
c.) in church
d.) while swearing
e.) in church
f.) on her birthday
I started apologizing. Then I started hugging her and asking if she was okay. (It was more like "OoooohmyGodareyouokay?") She had this dazed look on her face that creeped me right the fuck out, like she'd gone into shock or some such shit. I couldn't tell if she was laughing or crying or gasping for breath. I was genuinely worried for her health at this point.
I looked at her and saw a small gash just above her left eye, right by her eyebrow. It had already started to swell.
I continue to swear and ask if she's okay.
She finally evens out a bit and starts into a kind of a giggle-cry thing and she starts speaking. She's saying she's okay and telling me not to feel bad and that this is actually funny.
Wow. Crazy shit. Then I started calming down a bit. Once Duffy caught up on the events he'd just missed by staying in the office, we busted out the First Aid Kits and tissues and a big ol' bag of ice. She hit the bathroom to check out the battle damage and was impressed.
Later on, we were talking about it and I said, "Well...Let this be a lesson to you guys. Don't scare me; cuz if you do, I will fuck your shit up."
After things settled down, the four of us retired to the office again: Duffy, me, Mary Beth and her ice bag.
After we chilled there for a bit, we took off into the seedy nightlife scene in New Freedom and the rest of the night went off without a hitch. We wanted to stay local for the low-key celebration, so we just took her down to the Hodle and had a few drinks. Her first legal one was an Irish Car-Bomb with Duffy. I documented the occasion with her camera.
Two scary old drunks were next to us at the bar and asked me if I wanted him to get a shot of the three of us with MB's camera. After one failed attempt, Mr. McDrinksalot snapped off a decent shot of the celebrating party. We were all relieved that McDrinksalot asked me and not MB about the picture, cuz he was kinda creepy. Good stuff, though.
I continued to feel kind of bad, because in most of the pic's I took, you can totally see her big, bloody cut... but what a story we made for her to tell everyone about her 21st birthday night, right?? Right? Am I right folks? Huh? Am I...?
Anyways... we learned a lot about each other that night. Mary Beth learned not to frighten The Tauz, lest you suffer the consequences by way of his Extreme Panic Strength. And I learned what Mary Beth's blood looks like.
Both are tough lessons to learn, but I think the long-term humor will balance out the temporary pain.
So...Cheers, Mary Beth! Here's to getting to know your friends!
This is NOT an invitation to start trying to frighten me. If you do so, beware, mofo. I will delete you from my MySpace friends list. I will block you on iChat. I will FLAME YOU right here on my Internet. And I don't have a "Five", but if I did, you can guaran-damn-tee that I'd drop you out of it so fucking fast, your head would explode. Then who'd be laughing?
Think about it.
