Hashing out an image issue...

I've never smoked pot in my life.

However, I know some people probably assume that I have. Maybe they even assume that I do it all the time. I don't, though. Seriously. Never have. Not even once. I haven't even eaten any special brownies.

And it's not because I have anything against it. I just never did, and still never have, to this day.

I've been offered it only a few times in my life. (A few being no more than like, five.) Each time, I just didn't want to and I said no, and whoever was trying to pass me the dutchie just let me do my own thing.

I can see why people would think that I'd be a stoner, though. The indicators to support that assumption are surprisingly numerous.

So kick back and light up that spliff whilst I illuminate said indicators for your consideration, man. (Or not...if you're not into that stuff. Either way, keep reading.)

For a while there, I liked Scooby-Doo way too much...

I've been to more than one Dave Matthews Band concert.

I totally dig Rush, and I have been to at least five Rush concerts.

I went to IUP. (Pssshh. Party school.)

I'm friends with one Ryan Molyneaux, who had a dubious reputation back in the day. Said reputation was understandable, but it turns out that he just happened to know a lot about drugs, through academic studies (i.e. high school research papers) and second-hand experiences (a.k.a. his shady friends at the time). His rep was such that, while I was in college and I told one of my brothers that Molyneaux didn't, to the best of my knowledge, regularly get high, my brother was taken aback. He had always assumed that Ryan TOTALLY smoked up frequently and he was genuinely surprised to hear that he wasn't a pot-head.

I am also friends with people who actually do smoke (or used to smoke) a whole lotta weed.

I can frequently be found in convenience stores purchasing munchies late at night.

I laugh a lot. Usually at stupid, childish things, much like a stoner might.

I use the word "dude" a whole bunch.

Which reminds me of another reason: My fan-boner for The Stoner Classic: The Big Lebowski.

I also love Kevin Smith and his movies. I mean... c'mon. Bluntman and Chronic, for fuck's sake! How can you laugh at that shit if you're not high?!?!? Am I right?

(I am not. I'm yanking your chain. I cackle my non-stoned ass off at his movies all the time.)

The movie Half-Baked also cracks me up.

I fucking LOVE the Showtime series Weeds. A lot.

I'm lazy and relatively unmotivated at times.

I sleep in as much as possible.

I don't have the best short-term memory.

The 'Fro. Seriously. Who would sport that 'do sober?

The Tauz would, that's who, motherfucker.

I work in the "Creative Services Department". To some, that carries with it certain stereotypes that I and my fellow Promotions Geeks proudly defy. Hard.

I had my dorm room and college apartments decked out with a tie-dyed beanbag chair, two working lava lamps, and black lights that lit up glowing bottles of water into which we'd dropped highlighter ink.

And finally, my affinity for hacky-sacking and Frisbee sports.

In closing, I'd like to restate that The Tauz has NEVER done marijuana.

Never taken a hit off of a hookah packed with the cheeba.

Never rocked the ganja.

Never gotten stoned.

Never done pot.

Never smoked hash.

Never had a nice j.

Nope. I get high offa life, son.