The Tauz Watches the Watchmen: Pt. 2

In case you missed it, I "spouted a bit of praise" for the book this movie was based on in my last Blaug Entry. Having said my peace on the source material, now's when I get to join the millions of semi-qualified, self-righteous jackasses that populate the Internets and spew my opinion at the world like anyone gives a damn. Let's dig in...

The Tauz's Watchmen Review.

Part 2: The Movie.
(A.K.A. The Criticisms from a Fanboy)

(Both Graphic Novel AND Movie SPOILERS, ahoy!)

No Doubt
I wouldn't have come up with this particular criticism if Joe (Paula's husband, who is undoubtedly a very good Joe, but not The Tauz's Usual Joe) hadn't mentioned it on the trip home from the theater. But now that it's out there, I can't help but share his disappointment. One key conversation was missing from the movie, and it's a crucial dialogue, at that. Its exclusion baffles me, and if anyone can shed some light on why it may have been left out, please leave it as a comment. The conversation in question was between Jon and Adrian, where Veidt expresses what seems to be his only moment of doubt throughout the entire story. He asks Jon if he did the right thing, in the end. To which Dr. Manhattan responds simply that nothing ends. (Actual panels below.)

Why did they leave this out? It shows us that good ol' Ozzy is even more human and somewhat less insane that we ever were led to believe. According to this, he has at least one iota of decency in him. He is so confident and cocksure throughout the entirety of the story until this moment, when he lets his guard down. He comes as close as he ever will to confiding in another sentient being that he is not 100% sold on his own idea that to save the world you gotta make some necessary sacrifices. A brilliant stroke of characterization, needlessly and inexplicably left out of the final cut of the film.



Pulled Punches
While on a tear about stuff that was left out, I think they could have used many of the violent scenes that were in the book much more "verbatim". One specific instance I have in mind to support this point occurred when young Kovacs' attacked two older bullies for calling his mom a whore. (Again, actual panels below.)There should have been a cigarette shoved into that motherfucker's eye AND he should have bitten his cheek. You already have the 'R' rating, (director Zak) Snyder. Shove that cherry into that asshole's eye and make everyone in the theater go "OOOOHH!", even the Fanboys who were sick enough to hope they'd see this happen on-screen. (I admit it. I'm a sick, sick person.)



Saw That Before?
Even though the general idea of "leaving a handcuffed person with a hacksaw and a choice" thing has been done (a.k.a. stolen/borrowed/re-purposed) by Saw, Rorshach's transformative moment should have been kept like it was in the book more faithfully. I was satisfied to see him take out those shitty dogs with a couple of thuds of a cleaver, 'tis true. But why not keep the birth of Rorschach Proper as originally written? (Again, actual panel excerpts below.)



Why pander to the masses with blood-splatter at such a key moment in Rorschach's characterization; especially when the alternative version could have been just as gruesomely graphic, if not moreso, than the version that made it into the film. Why have your character skew towards simple violence when he could (and in one version, did) use his intelligence to punish a criminal? Rorschach pounds the reality of the situation into this filthy piece of trash's face by making him see it Rorschach's way: Black and White. You can either live, self-mutilated and (eventually) in jail, or die a not-horrible-enough death for the crimes you've committed. Either way, justice is served. I stick by my assertion that the method Rorschach used in the original story would have been the choice in the movie, as well.

Ror-shock!
While I'm talking about Movie-Rorschach Disappointments, it sucks that he didn't "ronch-ronch" on any sugar cubes.

And I might have the facts on this wrong, but I thought his fight scene looked kinda lame to me. Had they stuck with him setting the dude on fire, then torching the stairs, THEN spearing the dude with his grappling hook gun, it would have stayed as sweet as it was on the page. But they opted to have him just flail the tiny torch around and light cops on fire, and not the stairs. (At least from what I recall.) They downplayed his intelligence here, again, by making that change.

Also, I'm sad that he didn't spring out of Moloch's fridge, like so:



The Sex Scene
Although it was great to see Malin Akerman's Hot Little Boobers on the silver screen, that scene wasn't nearly that graphic in the book. With what felt like five whole minutes of naked close-ups of pelvic grindings, I don't think it needed to be played up as much as it was. I mean... the actual act was only given like a page and a half in the book, and most of the panels were visually tamer. It made me blush as I was sat in that theater seat, is all I'm sayin'. (Actual sexy panels below.)



More like no-shadowing
Adrian should not have been presenting the idea of reuniting The Crimebusters in the scene w/ the infamous chart. Like Fourhman said in a conversation on the topic, "it was a bit of a tell", having Adrian lead this meeting in the flick. In the book, Veidt's reasons for supporting the team-up group being proposed by Captain Metropolis were more ambiguous, and that was used to foreshadow his bigger role in the plot. Whereas in the movie, it blatantly shoves his dislike for The Comedian into the spotlight. And I guess it was his idea to get everyone together again? That doesn't even make sense! A very strange perversion of the original storyline here, and I think actually one that really may have been the biggest and worst departure from the book. How hard would it have been to have Capt. Metropolis propose this idea? Really weird decision to me.

W.T.F.
And, for the record, no group in the original story was ever actually called "THE WATCHMEN"!! Guh. I cringed each time a character referred to "getting the Watchmen back together" or "my days with the Watchmen". What fuck is that?!?

A bad call, that's what.

My next entry will be filled with at least 30% less venom, as I will be chatting about the shit I did like about the movie...